and it beats crying.
Sometimes no matter what life just sucks.
Lots of things contribute to this. 6 deaths of friends this summer alone. lack of work, a non stop needs list alone with a adult kid that thinks he needs not do whats asked of him just because he is 18( this started long before he was 18).
Every one running around in there own world not seeing that they live in the same one as everyone else and that what they do has a impact on those around them.
Seems like 1/2 or more of the people out there just don't give a shit about anything out side of there circle of existence.
Seems every time the little guy's get up on top of things or finds some joy,show so much as a twinkling of hope or success. It can't be tolerated and some fuck face shit head has to destroy the joy and hope.
50 yrs of the rug getting pulled put from under me, working my way up so others get the credit or some one destroys the good that was done.
I have lived long enough now that when I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know it is a on coming train.
I have those days that I welcome the train and those that it scares the hell out of me, maybe this time the damn thing will end it all and I can have the peace that comes at the end of this journey.Mostly I know its just going to be a wreck that has got to be cleaned up and of coarse no matter who or what is to blame it's all my fault. As well as picking up the mess putting everything back as well as can be done.
I do not have many fears. I do fear letting down those that love me and I see it happening.
Many days the depression deepens.It kicks my ass bends me over and fucks me hard.
Some times I get a short reprieve most the time I just go threw the motions of being happy if I even bother with the act at all.(Any more it just seems pointless)
And it never fails If I am having a good day or a good run of days no one can seem to stand for my good mood so they have to shit all over it.Sometimes I pity them knowing they are sick and in need of prayer too.
To many people living in the world and not the word.The knowing of how & why things are the way they are changes nothing. So few people left that understand what this old world is all about.
Then there is the old catch 22 that seems to be working against me.I cant get my health back because I have no insurance,I cant get insurance because I have no job,I can't get a job because because of my health.
These days I wish for the call that will take me home.I am so tired of the pain physical as well as emotional.
There are those that will say I am crazy because of the voice's. I say I am saner because of them!
Once I watched as things happened.
Once I made things happen.
Now I look up and say what happened?
To be continued
Sometimes no matter what life just sucks.
Lots of things contribute to this. 6 deaths of friends this summer alone. lack of work, a non stop needs list alone with a adult kid that thinks he needs not do whats asked of him just because he is 18( this started long before he was 18).
Every one running around in there own world not seeing that they live in the same one as everyone else and that what they do has a impact on those around them.
Seems like 1/2 or more of the people out there just don't give a shit about anything out side of there circle of existence.
Seems every time the little guy's get up on top of things or finds some joy,show so much as a twinkling of hope or success. It can't be tolerated and some fuck face shit head has to destroy the joy and hope.
50 yrs of the rug getting pulled put from under me, working my way up so others get the credit or some one destroys the good that was done.
I have lived long enough now that when I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know it is a on coming train.
I have those days that I welcome the train and those that it scares the hell out of me, maybe this time the damn thing will end it all and I can have the peace that comes at the end of this journey.Mostly I know its just going to be a wreck that has got to be cleaned up and of coarse no matter who or what is to blame it's all my fault. As well as picking up the mess putting everything back as well as can be done.
I do not have many fears. I do fear letting down those that love me and I see it happening.
Many days the depression deepens.It kicks my ass bends me over and fucks me hard.
Some times I get a short reprieve most the time I just go threw the motions of being happy if I even bother with the act at all.(Any more it just seems pointless)
And it never fails If I am having a good day or a good run of days no one can seem to stand for my good mood so they have to shit all over it.Sometimes I pity them knowing they are sick and in need of prayer too.
To many people living in the world and not the word.The knowing of how & why things are the way they are changes nothing. So few people left that understand what this old world is all about.
Then there is the old catch 22 that seems to be working against me.I cant get my health back because I have no insurance,I cant get insurance because I have no job,I can't get a job because because of my health.
These days I wish for the call that will take me home.I am so tired of the pain physical as well as emotional.
There are those that will say I am crazy because of the voice's. I say I am saner because of them!
Once I watched as things happened.
Once I made things happen.
Now I look up and say what happened?
To be continued
I am sorry you're going thru this. Try to remember that depression is a liar.
ReplyDeleteI feel quite confident that change is coming for you, and for us all. This madness is a temporary effect of our existence in these strange, and awkward bodies. We'll find our way out again.
I will send out good thoughts and vibrations for you. I hope you are able to receive them, and that you are able to feel yourself surrounded in positivity.
Everything is going to be ok...