A update or a rant. You decide
Life is just a bitch with rabbis sometimes. Believe it or not I am in a good mood.
There it is I said it I am at or past the point of carrying, Dec 6th we had the accident.
The car (a loner) was totaled. This left us with no transportation. We have no way to get back and forth.
I need to be seeing a doctor but what the fuck no one cares and I have given up. There will be no settlement no help. My wife thinks that her job will be there when she go's back. Sure it will, no one that flips burgers can be replaced and fuck you McDs. If they had not cut her Hr's down to under 29 a week we would have never got into this mess but thats another story just like the having to drive 30 miles round trip to get her to work 5 to 7 days a week for those 20 to 30 something hours. Yet that's is not what I am here to rant over. It is clear that I have a resentment and maybe this is just what I need. A Good Rant!
If you have follow any of what has gone on you will or should know I fear that there is brain damage. I still have pain that gets real bad. It seems that since I first started noticing that there was memory loss it has gotten worst or I have found there is more I can't remember. It is scattered big holes, I remember most of the people from my past. I remember some of the events or is it just the stories have been told so many times they are forever part of my brain. I have more fuzzy days then clear ones.
The storm came dumping snow on us no big deal we have so few places to go and the stores are with in walking distance and the only money we have is for food so why worry. The first day I shoveled some snow but spent most my time digging people out and trying to get them up the hill.I did go out the 2nd evening and start shoveling more for something to do then anything else.(I have paid for all this with sore mussels to no end it seems.) The snow had melted some and refroze so it came up in nice chunks that stacked well.I started stacking them putting the loose snow in the middle. Julie came out then The boys. Next thing you know we had a damn good start on a igloo. The next day the boys and I are out working on it some more as well as a big six foot tall snowman that Rob started and did most of. Ronald asking questions about If I ever had built a Igloo before. I remember a couple of them vaguely from childhood But then it hit me I can not remember ever playing in the snow with Robert or Steven. I can not bring into my mind playing anything much at all with them.
In fact I can not find any pleasant memory's of there childhood or mine. There are important memory's of my past I should know but don't.What I often do find is pain, suffering, struggling. Is that all there is or was? If so Why?
Whats the point? Questions I have no answers for. I am not even sure who I am anymore. Have I been a good father,husband,brother,friend? The last 5 to 10 yrs seem pretty well intact, that is so far I have found only a few holes, after that things just get fuzzier or lost altogether.
I remember one friend I had and the bible study's yet there is so much fog there. I know once I had friends. If I was using drugs or drinking there at least would be a reason for it but there is not I know I have been sober for near 29yrs.Why? I remember the men that helped me get sober I know there names but I can not bring there faces to my mind. I know once I was a artist but other the bad landscapes and doodles I can not draw shit. I once made toys from scrapes of wood but since the car crash everything I try turns out to be crap with one exception. That I fucked up 3 times and its still not done. It sort of had a dead line and that was valentines day.
There is more to come on this I am sure... Where it will go only God knows.
Life is just a bitch with rabbis sometimes. Believe it or not I am in a good mood.
There it is I said it I am at or past the point of carrying, Dec 6th we had the accident.
The car (a loner) was totaled. This left us with no transportation. We have no way to get back and forth.
I need to be seeing a doctor but what the fuck no one cares and I have given up. There will be no settlement no help. My wife thinks that her job will be there when she go's back. Sure it will, no one that flips burgers can be replaced and fuck you McDs. If they had not cut her Hr's down to under 29 a week we would have never got into this mess but thats another story just like the having to drive 30 miles round trip to get her to work 5 to 7 days a week for those 20 to 30 something hours. Yet that's is not what I am here to rant over. It is clear that I have a resentment and maybe this is just what I need. A Good Rant!
If you have follow any of what has gone on you will or should know I fear that there is brain damage. I still have pain that gets real bad. It seems that since I first started noticing that there was memory loss it has gotten worst or I have found there is more I can't remember. It is scattered big holes, I remember most of the people from my past. I remember some of the events or is it just the stories have been told so many times they are forever part of my brain. I have more fuzzy days then clear ones.
The storm came dumping snow on us no big deal we have so few places to go and the stores are with in walking distance and the only money we have is for food so why worry. The first day I shoveled some snow but spent most my time digging people out and trying to get them up the hill.I did go out the 2nd evening and start shoveling more for something to do then anything else.(I have paid for all this with sore mussels to no end it seems.) The snow had melted some and refroze so it came up in nice chunks that stacked well.I started stacking them putting the loose snow in the middle. Julie came out then The boys. Next thing you know we had a damn good start on a igloo. The next day the boys and I are out working on it some more as well as a big six foot tall snowman that Rob started and did most of. Ronald asking questions about If I ever had built a Igloo before. I remember a couple of them vaguely from childhood But then it hit me I can not remember ever playing in the snow with Robert or Steven. I can not bring into my mind playing anything much at all with them.
In fact I can not find any pleasant memory's of there childhood or mine. There are important memory's of my past I should know but don't.What I often do find is pain, suffering, struggling. Is that all there is or was? If so Why?
Whats the point? Questions I have no answers for. I am not even sure who I am anymore. Have I been a good father,husband,brother,friend? The last 5 to 10 yrs seem pretty well intact, that is so far I have found only a few holes, after that things just get fuzzier or lost altogether.
I remember one friend I had and the bible study's yet there is so much fog there. I know once I had friends. If I was using drugs or drinking there at least would be a reason for it but there is not I know I have been sober for near 29yrs.Why? I remember the men that helped me get sober I know there names but I can not bring there faces to my mind. I know once I was a artist but other the bad landscapes and doodles I can not draw shit. I once made toys from scrapes of wood but since the car crash everything I try turns out to be crap with one exception. That I fucked up 3 times and its still not done. It sort of had a dead line and that was valentines day.
There is more to come on this I am sure... Where it will go only God knows.
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